The Fish Story

Slow Down in Ship Bottom’s ‘No Tsunami’ Zones; I Unanxiously Await a Donkey Milk Chocolate Bar

By JAY MANN | May 02, 2018

HELL AND HIGH WATER: In the wake of growingly regular flood events – caused as much by a sinking, eroding Island as so-far-slight sea rise – Ship Bottom is tearing a page from the boating realm by developing a “No Wake” ordinance … for landlubbers. The soon-to-be ordinance is currently in the hands of the borough attorney, Christopher J. Connors. Chris will need to have his compositional skills well in tow to develop the proper legal lingo to create a land-based “No Wake” law that will hold water in the courts. It might be the first such ordinance in the state.

When “No Wake” signs get displayed roadside, I’m certain global warmists will point to this as a “sign” of the times.

Per Anchor City (Ship Bottom) mayor, William “Porky” Huelsenbeck, the ordinance will be as much for education as enforcement, though I’m betting the police will embrace any citation they can aim at drivers traveling hellishly through flooded roadways.

Virtually every and any flood event has had its quota of wake-making motorists. This past winter/spring, most Island municipalities fielded an aggravatingly high number of complaints about just such inconsiderate motorists barreling through standing water, dousing other vehicles and sending out bores that over-wash any sand bags placed at door steps by businesses trying to keep rising waters at bay.

As to what type vehicles are most often in the wake-making mode, it’s pretty obvious that trucks, larger SUVs and Jeeps lead the splash-pack. I’m told that some drivers of larger vehicles zip over from the mainland just to test the flood waters. However, drivers of sedans and smaller SUVs are ready and able to generate excessive road waves, despite often being in over their heads during deeper flood events.

As to just how much of a wake is too much, legally, I await the exact language of the in-the-works ordinance. I’m sure it will speak of proper speeds when traversing flood waters. Also, how can it not have estimates of permissible wake heights?

The wake height angle can get complicated for truck drivers. By nature’s own water displacement commandments: the larger an object displacing water, the greater the consequential wake/wave/bore/tsunami. Yes, tsunami. In theory, the displacement energy transferred into the water from passing-through vehicles is closer to a theoretical tsunami than an everyday wave – though seeing a digital road sign flashing “No Tsunami” could be a bit confusing to some.

SNIFFING AWAY NAUSEA: Got a wife, kids, friends or self who get queasy during a boat-about, especially when cruising atop the ocean? If so, you surely know about common remedies, like sipping a “dead” ginger ale, avoiding riding on the bow of the boat, pressing bodily anti-nausea pressure points, sidestepping boat rides entirely, and, of course, Dramamine – a very fine motion and sea sickness preventive drug, albeit one hampered by side effects that can render a user incapacitatingly groggy. Well, hold your heaves. I’m here to offer a weird-is-good cure for mild to moderate sea sickness, one just recently sniffed out. Feeling green behind the gills? Grab that medicine cabinet bottle of isopropyl alcohol – and take a few solid whiffs.

While this ubiquitous antiseptic has been close at hand for ages, dating back to its American arrival in the 1920s, it has only very recently become a sick-kicking antiemetic, i.e. a medication used to ease or prevent nausea.

Isopropyl alcohol is just as often referred to as rubbing alcohol, reflecting its initial claim to fame as a liniment for massaging muscles. The use of rubbing in its name was also governmentally demanded, to make it dang clear that this alcohol was not the stuff of imbibing – though it was sorely tried as such during Prohibition, when it was imbibed and imbibed again … with blindingly unsuccessful results.

To be sure, rubbing alcohol’s antiemetic magic has absolutely nothing to do with taking it orally. Instead, should you feel a quease coming on, saturate a cotton ball with the everyday stuff – and take a few sturdy inhales. There’s a high likelihood you’ll experience rapid belly relief, just like folks in South America, who first came across the anti-nausea abilities of inhaling it. I’m open to guesses as to how those back-jungle folks first discovered this off-label usage. However, it is now being endorsed worldwide, within medical, homoeopathic, naturopathic and home remedy realms.

Exacting medical studies, many begun as efforts to debunk such a weird form of battling nausea, have instead confirmed the fumes actually do help to stave off both everyday nausea and even more stubborn medicine-related queasiness, as occurs with chemotherapy.

Dr. Michael D. April of the Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antonio recently completed a study on the “aromatherapy” impacts of isopropyl alcohol, when coupled with leading pharmaceutical antiemetics. April then told The New York Times – “A Cure for Nausea? Try Sniffing Alcohol” by Nicholas Bakalamarch – that he was impressed with the grassroots sniff-away-nausea approach. “There are simple, safe ways to deal with symptoms that are causing discomfort – that’s a powerful message for people to appreciate,” said April, adding, “There is no reason to believe that sniffing alcohol would not work at home.”

The prestigious Cochrane organization, a nonprofit group that hawks over medical research findings, has written that “aromatherapy using isopropyl alcohol vapor inhalation provided rapid, short-term relief of nausea and reduced the need for rescue anti-nausea drugs (four studies, 215 participants). Patient satisfaction with aromatherapy appeared high in the four studies that measured this outcome.”

I included the above professional input for a somewhat bizarre reason, namely, to aid and abet the famed and oft mystical placebo effect, something that is always good to have hanging around, egging one on. The placebo effect is the manifestation of mind over matter – and it truly can matter. In the case at hand, the more you’re sure that alcohol sniffing can stifle nausea, the better the chance of its doing just that. What’s more, when a placebo-ed mind joins forces with something that truly does work, i.e. sniffing rubbing alcohol, it can hike the results.

Using rubbing alcohol to stave off nausea is quick and simple. Douse a cotton ball and take a few good whiffs. Packaged, pre-doused medical pads work great. But limit inhales to a healthy few. Although it would take a ton of freewheelin’ inhalin’ to overdose, there is a chance the fumes could annoy the hell out of sinus membranes, causing a headache, possibly one you’d gladly trade in for the original good-old nausea.

I’m hereby dutifully suggesting that pregnant women first consult their doctors before nasally imbibing isopropyl alcohol. However, many baby-a-comin’ websites I checked while researching this subject hosted a slew of morning sickness-related comments raving about the belly bennies of alcohol snuffling. In fact, one preggy nurse advised morning sickness sufferers, “Smell rubbing alcohol. I’m serious. We do this in the hospital for nauseated people or people that can’t stop getting sick. Now I’m pregnant and I don’t have much morning sickness but when I do I dab a cotton swab in some rubbing alcohol and smell it for a minute, makes it stop. Promise it will help.”

I’ll move on after picturing prenatal support groups, with expectant moms all sitting in a circle, passing cotton balls around like joints. Rock on!

IT SHALL GO UNEATEN: I’ll depart my ramblings on an odd note, a note I’d usually place within a “Sweet!” category. It has to do with candy, specifically typically highly irresistible milk chocolate. However, the milk chocolate of which I’ll now speak – but daren’t taste – is produced by a European company using … donkey milk! Yes, the actual milk of an equally actual donkey, i.e. milk squeezed from a lactating … you get the donkey drift. I think I might need a cotton ball of rubbing alcohol.

Not only had I been well unaware of milking donkeys for fun and profit, I still can’t overcome a stomach-turn sense that such a thing is somehow a violation of established milk drinking etiquette. It has driven me to Google the matter, urged into urgency upon hearing that I was being sent a complimentary chocolate bar made of donkey milk chocolate – stuff like that can apparently happen when you journalistically email a goat milk company in Switzerland for further information.

As I might have guessed, donkey milk has become something of a new-age rage. It first began flowing freely among lactose-intolerant folks, who have found it a boon to their testy digestive system. By my known-parochial thinking, those folks must have wanted milk something awful.

I’ll beat some of you to the punch by assuring I now know that our ultracool Pope Francis is a born donkey milk kinda guy. Per a news blip, “Pope Francis was given two of the animals (donkeys) … by the Swiss firm Eurolactis, and the Pope waxed a little nostalgic about drinking donkey milk as a baby in his native Argentina.”

Reading that, off I went to, where its website waxes poetic about donkeys and the growingly in-demand outflow from their mammillary glands.

“Reputed for its unique resistance qualities since the dawn of time, the Donkey is man’s faithful companion. He’s the one that pulls, ploughs and transports. Its Donkey’s milk has had the place of honor since always with its many properties: moisturizing, hypoallergenic, medicinal.

“Today the scientific community recognizes the legitimacy of this heritage: where the mother’s milk use would be neither recommended nor available and thus would mean that a substitute milk is necessary, Donkey’s milk represents an excellent natural alternative, as well as a natural product with rare dietary and cosmetic properties.”

With all that info now nourishing my thinking, I’ll have a whole new respect for that donkey milk chocolate candy bar when it arrives. No, I won’t eat it! The thing’s made of frickin’ donkey milk, dude!

RUNDOWN: At this point in spring, I should be loaded to the gills with angling stuff, but there remains something amiss in the angler air, at least around here. Not that far to our north, they’re banging stripers to beat the all-time band; some big fish, to boot. A couple hardcore boat anglers up that way are already past their best spring stripering numbers – and things are just starting. One Facebook friend is already up to 600 bass!

I’m bringing up that up-north hooking just to emphasize the fact the biomass of bass is in remarkably good shape in many coastal zones. Our ocean boat bass will most likely be showing soon, in very fine numbers and sizes.

Even though we’re looking kinda quiet on the big bass board, our bayside is popping out some fun schoolies, mainly after dark, when bloodworms, plugs and jigs remain top getters.

Surfcasting for bass has been fair in spots (plugs and bait), but the beachline waters are not being fully tested; wide swaths of sand have been void of casters.

Surf-wise, it’s a great time to throw some jigs and plastics into the suds. All white offerings – hair and tails – seem to work well in spring. Also, fake-o eels match spring hatches. Virtually every tackle company now has its own look-and-feel plastic eels. Flavored models seem to hold a fish’s bite-down longer.

The bluefish arrived last week – bayside, mainland. They are going for bait flipped from docks and street ends. These are not the head-banging choppers we’re waiting for, though they are the great eating-sized variety.

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